all of that resonated with my experiences also. Terence McKenna said once you smoke DMT once, you can go back there under certain circumstances, and that's been the case with my experience also. I have never forgotten that nor the ayahuasca ceremonies. Alan Watts said “If you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope, he goes away and works on what he has seen.”
Disturbing perspective of our nature versus/cooperation of accepted reality. We are the captors and captives of it, and existing in that gray area, is the antithesis of existence. This passage had profound meaning and agency for me this morning, blessings and thank you!
I woke up in complete darkness to the sound of screaming.
Not distant screaming. Not metaphorical screaming. Mine.
A voice in the room was begging:
“God dammit, this hurts! Will someone fucking help me?”
I remember understanding it before I understood anything else.
Then a second realization landed, clean and precise, with no emotional reaction attached:
That was me.
But I had not chosen to speak.
I had not felt pain in that moment.
And I didn’t feel fear when I recognized it.
Just recognition. Nothing more.
More screaming followed.
Then nothing—I slipped back out of awareness like the system had simply cut the signal.
After surgery, I asked my surgeon:
“So what was up with ‘the incident’?”
She didn’t hesitate.
“We followed the anesthesia plan. Your abdominal muscles were contracting after incision. A muscle relaxant resolved it quickly.”
That was it.
No mystery from her side. Just procedure, physiology, and correction.
I accepted it immediately. I still do.
But what I haven’t fully unpacked is not the medical explanation—it’s the experience layer.
Because something about it didn’t behave like normal memory. It felt like awareness briefly separated into parts that didn’t recognize each other in real time.
Not pain I remember.
Not fear I can reconstruct.
Just a moment where something generated a voice, and “me” arrived too late to authorize it.
I don’t know what this means yet.
But I’ve started thinking less in terms of “was it real” and more in terms of:
What has to be true about consciousness for this kind of split to even be possible?
An interesting exploration of ‘the other side’ which we all know exists yet threatens the fabric of of consciousness. Should we live in existential dread of the red pill or dare to take it?
I have the luck of having gone down philosophical rabbitholes since my teens before taking psychedelics.
I had an experience of VOID on 3g mushrooms once.
It felt like the most peaceful and calming experience of nothingness... vacation in VOID.
A 5meO DMT experience on the other hand, ripped me appart,let me experience all the pain in the world at once and tossed me into the abyss.
Crawling back up I had an intense thirst to go deeper.
Took me on a 7 years underworld journey this one. I think I am getting to the lupe of integrating it in. A meaningful way this one.
With Psychedelics you get the cheatcodes, but they are a wild card, espeacially if you do have a rigid ego eimprint.
Btw : I offer Cosmic Custumer Care support on a give what you care exchange base every 5ft and 23rd of the month and we stream a radio show where you can call in to share your stories and have a chat with the cats to help with collective sensemaking on Das Y Radio.
Its an ermerging radio format to start building local care networks and peer to peer support psychedelic adventurers. We stream on Twitch and You Tube at the moment. Hit me up for the link if you feel curious or need support to integrate.
all of that resonated with my experiences also. Terence McKenna said once you smoke DMT once, you can go back there under certain circumstances, and that's been the case with my experience also. I have never forgotten that nor the ayahuasca ceremonies. Alan Watts said “If you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope, he goes away and works on what he has seen.”
Disturbing perspective of our nature versus/cooperation of accepted reality. We are the captors and captives of it, and existing in that gray area, is the antithesis of existence. This passage had profound meaning and agency for me this morning, blessings and thank you!
I Woke Up in Surgery Hearing Myself Scream
I woke up in complete darkness to the sound of screaming.
Not distant screaming. Not metaphorical screaming. Mine.
A voice in the room was begging:
“God dammit, this hurts! Will someone fucking help me?”
I remember understanding it before I understood anything else.
Then a second realization landed, clean and precise, with no emotional reaction attached:
That was me.
But I had not chosen to speak.
I had not felt pain in that moment.
And I didn’t feel fear when I recognized it.
Just recognition. Nothing more.
More screaming followed.
Then nothing—I slipped back out of awareness like the system had simply cut the signal.
After surgery, I asked my surgeon:
“So what was up with ‘the incident’?”
She didn’t hesitate.
“We followed the anesthesia plan. Your abdominal muscles were contracting after incision. A muscle relaxant resolved it quickly.”
That was it.
No mystery from her side. Just procedure, physiology, and correction.
I accepted it immediately. I still do.
But what I haven’t fully unpacked is not the medical explanation—it’s the experience layer.
Because something about it didn’t behave like normal memory. It felt like awareness briefly separated into parts that didn’t recognize each other in real time.
Not pain I remember.
Not fear I can reconstruct.
Just a moment where something generated a voice, and “me” arrived too late to authorize it.
I don’t know what this means yet.
But I’ve started thinking less in terms of “was it real” and more in terms of:
What has to be true about consciousness for this kind of split to even be possible?
Ego death maybe?
An interesting exploration of ‘the other side’ which we all know exists yet threatens the fabric of of consciousness. Should we live in existential dread of the red pill or dare to take it?
thank you for sharing my dear, we would love to have you with us. ;-)
Wu wei through it, it changed my mindset and focus. Sometimes the horse blinders can serve us…
https://eliamraell.substack.com/p/ep2-introduction-to-sciencedelic?r=5pb4rx
Blame your father for this children. He's caught in the matrix of his own creation and he won't stop playing first person shooter games!!
Great Piece!
I have the luck of having gone down philosophical rabbitholes since my teens before taking psychedelics.
I had an experience of VOID on 3g mushrooms once.
It felt like the most peaceful and calming experience of nothingness... vacation in VOID.
A 5meO DMT experience on the other hand, ripped me appart,let me experience all the pain in the world at once and tossed me into the abyss.
Crawling back up I had an intense thirst to go deeper.
Took me on a 7 years underworld journey this one. I think I am getting to the lupe of integrating it in. A meaningful way this one.
With Psychedelics you get the cheatcodes, but they are a wild card, espeacially if you do have a rigid ego eimprint.
Btw : I offer Cosmic Custumer Care support on a give what you care exchange base every 5ft and 23rd of the month and we stream a radio show where you can call in to share your stories and have a chat with the cats to help with collective sensemaking on Das Y Radio.
Its an ermerging radio format to start building local care networks and peer to peer support psychedelic adventurers. We stream on Twitch and You Tube at the moment. Hit me up for the link if you feel curious or need support to integrate.